Ok, what I experienced the other day tickled me so much that I had to write about it, but the only way to do it its proper justice I will write this in novel form...... well here goes
I couldn't imagine on this dull morning, just what could possibly be more boring. It was just another Saturday at Pei Wei where I had only been working for a couple months. Fill The beer bath, restock the sauce, clean EVERYTHING, and oh yes, it IS Saturday...let's not forget to stand behind the register doing practically nothing because Saturday mornings are so horribly slow. Of course if a maneger looks my way I mustn't hesitate to look busy or I might have to do something even worse then standing still, bored...can you imagine? That's when it happened, a shadow in the doorway...no WAIT...shadows....it was three old women...no..that doesn't do them justice...they weren't your typical old ladies....there was no cotton candy blue hair fried to the scalp from perms, they all had long hair, and their ears noses and faces were all quite long. Even the sides of their chins drooped like a basset hound's (I don't recollect any of their names so I will call them by numbers) Old lady #1, long pure white hair pulled into a cute old fashioned bun, Old lady #2 same style hair but pure grey and her hair was very sloppily put up, Old lady#3 longest hair of all, to the middle of her back, salt and pepper in color, and worn half up half down.
They took a while to look at the menu which was a few feet from me, and also gave me the chance to study their utter peculiarity. They studied that menu for a good 30 minutes, their noses practically pressed against its surface. Well, I realized I was starring and decided to look down instead. When I looked back up I was startled to see them standing right in front of me, well of course the register between us, and it wasn't all three of them, it was just old lady #1 and #2. I couldn't believe my ears let alone control the immediate smile that came over me as soon as old lady #1 opened her mouth to order. (Have you ever impersonated an old lady? ya know when you over exaggerate how an old woman would sound...thats EXACTLY how she spoke) It sounded like the very back of her tongue was swollen and her s's sounded like sh's and it sounded altogether scratchy and low pitched.
"Excushe me mish, I'm having a bit of trouble figuring out what I got lasht time I wash here...it shomething like BON WON CHICKEN or shomething like dat"
"Umm we don't have anything called that mam, I'm really sorry , maybe I could help you find something you would like"
"Sure what do you have?".....(That when Old lady #2 began to speak, and with the exact same voice ...all screetchy..like a parrot, only lower in pitch.)
(ok here's where it's absolutely necessary to put this in play-write form.)
Me: Well do you like sweet or spicy?
OL#2: What are you looking far? ish dish the menue here too?
Me: yeah thats the...
OL#1: what did you shay? shweet or what?
Me: or spic...
OL#2: OH NO I DON'T LIKE SCALLOPSH
(old lady #2 talked really loud...and it was now I realized they were both CONSIDERABLY hard of hearing)
At this point old lady #1 and #2 were both talking VERY loudly at the same time, and its was sooo difficult because #2 was talking slightly louder and at 3 second intervals..just enough for me to catch what both of them were saying, but of course none of it made sense because..well I was listening back and fourth from one to the other, so I decided to listen to #1 because she was there first. Might I also add that at this point another customer had walked in behind them. At first she was angry from having to wait, but then suddenly I could hear her laughing to herself. This woman had sat down on a chair near my register and, well, made herself comfortable to enjoy the show.
OL#1: I WANT A NOODLE DISH
OL#2: THISH LOOKSH GOOD MAYBY I MIGHT LIKE DISH
Me: Do you want a spicy noodle dish like pad thai?
OL#1: YEAH i'LL HAVE THAT THANK YOU
OL#2: SHOMETIMES i LIKE CHICKEN SHOMETIMES I LIKE...
Me: Do you want chicken in your pad thai?
OL#1: YESH, ISHE TEA SHOUNDS GREAT
Me: No I said what kind of meat do you want in your pad thai?! (old lady #1 quietly and without response steps behind old lady #2)
Old lady #1 steps up and starts ordering but in order to take her order I have to finish the previous one which quite obviously hasn't been
OL#2: DO I LIKE A CURRY?
Me: I don't know do you like curry
OL#2: O YEASH I LOF CURRY I'LL HAVE THAT THANK YOU
Me: Ok what kind of meat do you want in it
OL#2: YESH ILL HAVE A SHWEET TEA ASH WELL
Me: no what kind of meat in your curry?
OL#2: YOU NEED TO SHPEAK UP ITSH LOUD IN HERE
Me: DO YOU WANT CHICKEN IN YOU CURRY!
OL#2: I JUSHT LOVE THE WAY YOU MOVE YOUR LIPSH!
I was so frustrated but I couldn't stop smiling and laughing to myself, and neither could the lady watching, but then I saw my manager Molly coming. When she got near me, I scream whispered "HeLp Me"..but then I thought, why the hall am I whispering?! The can't hear a damn thing I'm saying!
Molly was great, but she practically had to yell in their ears right next to them and have them follow her finger along the words of the menu to get a straight answer out of them.
Old lady #3 was no problem at all, and I think she was the most sane out of tall of them.
So the old ladies walked off to find their table and I was finally able to breathe, and as they shuffled slowly away I decided, that I hope I have crazy girlfriends when I'm old and can't hear, so I can go from restaurant to restaurant harassing unsuspecting hostesses.